Fraser+Bleach

__50 word Lipogram without "E"__ Feedback: Punchy opening! Play with the last sentence to capture the same impact. __12 word novel__ **Life on a single wage, Phar lap, run as you never have**. Feedback: Superb!
 * Finally, back at the climax. Looking down the crag you think, how did I do this? How can I guard this poor man’s days? I must dig and dig relentlessly until I find cold and ivory limbs. After digging I sight a bright light and find my soul and spirit. **

=First Day= He stepped into the vast metal ship into the unknown. Eric was entering a new world or was this world retrieving a new Eric? As he walked up the rows he found an empty seat and sat down with his bag still over his shoulder. Young school teens threw paper planes all over the bus and cheered songs and chants throughout the whole journey. Almost every person on the bus was sitting next to someone except Eric. This was the first school day Eric was going to experience in his life as his father insisted that he wasn't being home schooled anymore.

In his mind he just wanted to be in a quiet place but he could not zone out of the noise and destruction. He was alone in a sea of chaos and had nothing he could do about it as the bus was slowly slowing down (coming to a stop ). SQUUEEEK. The (bus came to a halt and the - leave this out) brakes hissed and the hydraulic door opened.

Once he got to the main gate of the school he look( ed) at his watch and then found that there was still twenty minutes before school started so he (may aswell find - looked for - don't switch tense) his personal locker. He felt like he was in the middle of a herd of sheep and he was a weak goat. The halls were getting smaller and smaller as he walked through them and a drop of sweat started rolling down his head.

He eventually found his locker and opened it and found graffiti all throughout the inners. He sat by his locker on a bench for the next 10 minutes until the bell sounded. As people walked past him hey gave him look as if he were from a different planet. He did not understand these faces they were making.

Whilst sitting there he sees (saw - watch tense) someone down the hall. It seemed as if a shining light had come through the ceiling to her blonde hair. Her body perfect, fit, smooth and beautiful. Her face a piece of artwork, and she was walking towards him. (Soon she came towards him and- leave this put. Too much telling!) She stood infront of Eric for about ten seconds silently before she talked. She said, "Hey im Laura, are you new to this school?" Before (I - stay in third person) he could reply another student came up to us and he said to Laura, "Don't talk to this loser, come and hang with us." (captial letter at start and fullstop at end)

He pulled her away and they walked off through the hallway. Eric felt like crying but held himself back as crying infront of other students would be deadly for his social performance. BRRINGG. The bell alarmed and that meant he still had a whole day infront of him.

Feedback: There is so much potential in this story. Your opening paragraph was original and engaging. You have made some clumsy errors that will lose you marks in Naplan. 67%

Mother oh mother, I will not try to smother, The ways and plans, You organized like no other.
 * //__Original Poem: Pressure__//**

Instead i'll use the mind, and not be lazy, and soon will I find, that this plan was crazy.

Yes Mum i'll tell you my devils trying it but I'm gonna stay strong I'm not buying it.

The rhyme works aptly as it refects the subject and the pressure. 9/10