James+Woodward

12 word novel (Titled Blank) Blank, Befuddled, thoughtless, bemused, he sits in front of screen as boredom ensues.

Feedback: Your plosive 'b' sounds work beautifully. Very effective!

A sea of red All stood still as a clarion cry rang out across knoll and plain. Valiant William standing proud at disloyal Scotland’s front, charging with clan and kin unto Long Shank’s Sabaoth. Falkirk a canvas of blood. Sun sinks into hill as light dims. Both ally and mortal rival lying blissfully in muddy mortification, both hosts savouring in faux victory.

Feedback: The juxtaposition of the adverb 'blissfully' and the noun 'mortfication' are an unusal combination. You have a sophisticated vocabulary.

NAPLAN practice based on stimulus

Ribs of stone The clarion cry of ships in the distance rouses the weary lighthouse keeper. He awakes to darkness and fumbles for his matches and lantern. With one swift stroke he lights the well worn lantern and cradles it in solitude, the lamp his only companion. The years have not been kind to the over-fatigued tenant of the stone tower, lapsing momentarily into dreamlike hallucinations, then awaking to the harsh purdah that is reality. A shell of his former self, the golem trudges up the stone ribs of his captor, a slave to its authority.

The spiralling perpetuity of the aeonian stair feeds on the little sanity that remains in a pool of madness. This everlasting cycle of mindlessness is broken momentarily as he grasps the familiar handle of the door at the pinnacle of the lighthouse. The power is out and he realizes that he must start the light again as a cool draft douses the warmth of his age old friend. He reaches deep into his pocket and finds the box of matches and uses his relit lantern to start the towers signal light. Regarding the ocean of lights surrounding the remote islands of the harbour, his gaze leads him to the rocks as his only link to the outside world charges relentlessly into the erose stones rising from the unforgiving ocean. As the iron whale that has provided his means of survival, sinks under the waves all hope and reason leave the lighthouse keeper just as his wife had passed on all those years ago.

Collapsing into a moment of insanity the old lighthouse keeper sees the lifeless body of his wife in a hospital bed, his dead child lying peacefully in her arms. Rivers of tears flow in streams down his face; an ocean collecting before his kneeling body as the lonely hand of solitude closes around him. It seems to him as if all joy has been ripped from his life as quickly as it has entered.

Longing for escape he stumbles over to the edge of the tower and contemplates the life or death decision he is faced with, whether is better to die or to live a walking death. The overwhelming pain inside tugs on the strings of his heart and longs for release and as if it is a knife his lonesome solitude finishes him off.

Plummeting into the raging ocean below, he breaks the water’s surface and sinks. An alabaster dove flies over the calm waters below the lighthouse, his spirit soaring over his now powerless captor he finds peace in the cool release of death.

Standing before him with open arms his loving wife and child call to him as he stands at the precipice of the abyss a blinding light at its heart guides him to the true happiness he had longed for.

Feedback: You are a very eloquent and erudite writer. Unless it is deliberate do not mix your tenses. I have changed the tense to the present. Be careful that you do not overwrite such as using too many adjectives. A clever and original piece! 98% using Naplan marking criteria.

Where you wrote purgatory I used the word purdah which is a word that means, a state of solitude.

Poem Draft Poem titled "Musashi" Young man brushes his foolish uncle aside, Cutting down arrogant soldier filled with pride. Lone swordsman stands atop the plains, Wielding two heavens as one, blood pours like rain. Steel shines as sun and blinds rivals filled with contempt, Even as he takes their lives, never does the true warrior resent. This Samurai wanders far and wide, Adopted child by his side. Retiring to Buddhist retreat, Atop the mountain he rests his feet. As warrior becomes wise scholar, Never does he lose his honour. His back raised with final breath, Clutching sword, his honour retained even in death.

Being a fan of Japanese literature such as Yukio Mishima's novels that harken back to a time when Japan was governed by honour, I really appreciated your control of the imagery and the gentle use of sibilance. However, I want to try something for me; rewrite this without rhyme and see how much more freedom you have over your word choice and internal rhythm. E.g. 'rests his feet' is very contrived. Draft mark: 8/10

Discovery (opening and closing paragraph)

I stood atop the ship's mast, on the precipice of adventure. I look out over the wide blue oceans bathed in light as the sun sets far off in the horizon. The new world awaits me, undiscovered lands ripe for the taking; untouched continents nestled in the unexplored rear end of the world. We lower the sails and I retire to my cabin for the evening, drifting into surreal dreams as I lie in hammock. The fog was so thick you could cut it with a knife and as the eerie mist lifted we realised it was too late. We were too late. Too late to lower the masts. Too late to turn about. Too late to stop. Too late to save ourselves. I watched helplessly from atop the mast as the majestic serpent of the sea that had been my shelter for 18 months ploughed relentlessly into the cliff face before us. Bracing was no use as I felt the horrific sensation that my body produced as my neck snapped, a twig before the might of the stone master atop the sea. Fabulous!!! I want to read more! Anaphora works powerfully - note that I have made this part separate sentences. 9/10

Week 6 homework

As she walked down the cobbled paths of the urban metropolis, the sweet smell of her perfume wafted on the wind towards me. Her hair a warm shade of brown,her skin a lovely olive complexion of European background. She wore black skin-tight jeans, Italian handmade boots and a rose t-shirt covered in interwoven floral designs. As she drifted past me I gently whispered in her ear, “Can I buy you a drink?” She replied, “Pick a bar and I’ll consider it when we get there.” I led her by the hand up several disused streets until the familiar smell from the kitchen of my favourite bar filled the air. The automatic door opened before us and we strode over to the bar. “What brings you to this, place, the technological capital, of the world?” she asked. “The search for a lost artefact from the ancient past, my travels have led me across the world in search of it”, I replied. She seemed puzzled by my quest, as she looked off into the distance. She sat on her stool for what seemed like millennia pondering, this statement. After several minutes she asked me, “What is this treasure you search for, what is its significance?” I took a deep breath and began a long explanation of the artefact, its significance and why I was searching for it. By the time I had completed my explanation, she was sitting dumbfounded, in awe of my quest or the artefact, I did not know.

I have made some corrections - watch the commas! You start off evocatively but it becomes a tad slow towards the end. It needs to be tighter. 7/10

Science fiction story __The journal of William Nicholas Johnson, former president of the United States of America__ __January 1st AD 2050 or AFO 30__ 38 years after fallout, the world’s population had dwindled to a mere 10,000 people. These people ghosts in a shell that once supported a full range of life. 2 kilometres beneath the surface, no one here had seen the surface of the planet in 38 years; if they had ever seen it at all. Huge fortresses of steel contained within them monstrous machines, these machines now creating the only oxygen left on the planet. Running 24 hours a day the machinery was constantly maintained by a highly skilled crew, trained only for this task.

Another similar mechanism was slowly sterilising the surface world for the return of the human race, this slow and arduous task had been going on for nearly 4 decades and it was expected that if things went well they might be able to return to the surface by the turn of the next century. __21st of December 2012__ “Sir there are reactors down across the globe, our analysts think possibly as high as 65 percent of all nuclear reactors have been down globally and its spreading”, is what my assistant told me. At that moment we were unable to grasp the significance of the global nuclear fallout. “I want the army mobilized and prepared for a possible third world war, as well as all civilians evacuated to the bunkers below the city”, were the orders I gave my generals. The last set of orders I gave as president. I heard a band behind me, I turned my head enough to see the gunman but it was too late the bullet whizzed from the other side of the room at unimaginable speed, it was too late to dodge it I said my goodbyes and stood my ground as the bullet entered the front of my chest. The blood began to poor like a crimson waterfall from my chest as I collapsed unto the floor of my office. As I blacked out I was sure it was the end for me.

This was not the case. I awoke from a coma 6 weeks late on a crude steel bed. From the poor lighting I assumed I was underground. In the briefing that I received following my awakening I discovered that I had come back to a post apocalyptic world, and that the nuclear fallout became global. Although the world war did not start, humanity was forced to move underground due to the radiation from the reactors, well what was left of it, only a small percentage of us survived. __January 2nd AD 2050 or AFO 38__ That day changed my life; I now cling to life at the forefront of the effort to rebuild Earth, hailed as a saviour I am organising the first human venture to the surface in 38 years. The sterilisation of a continent formerly known as Australia has been completed and recolonisation of this island now known as colony AFO 1 is due to commence next month. This colony is the first step to what is looking like a bright future for humanity and it is hoped that we will be able to reverse engineer and rediscover from what little survives of man’s technological achievements.

As man starts to rebuild itself I wonder, if our successes will destroy us once again. It seems to me that every time humanity reaches a towering pinnacle of technological achievement some divine power cuts us down to size one again. Think about the Romans, the Mayans, the Americans, man has risen and fallen so many times, I dearly hope we will not be crushed again, man may yet surpass its creator as we continue in our quest for knowledge. __January 3rd Ad 2050 or AFO 38__ I have not yet ascertained its motives but the board has moved the recolonisation forward significantly so far forward that they decide today would be a perfect day for humanity to start reclaiming the surface. As we emerged from the tunnels I looked out across what was once the island nation’s capital, the city now little more than rust and rubble, significantly overgrown with the few plants that had survived the fallout. ] As the select few chosen to begin salvaging the surviving technology stood in front of me, from my wheel chair I proclaimed so that all of them would hear, “Today is the day that we reclaim our planet and start a new, I thank you all for standing by me in those near 4 decades following the fallout, and welcome all of you to the new world order. This is a new day for humanity; we will not repeat the mistakes of the past we will thrive like never before in the new world, I believe we were all chosen to rebuild the human race, now go forth my children and disperse across this land rebuilding mans glory.”

As the large group before me saluted in respect, I was doubtful that I would live to see the fruits of my efforts. The years have not been kind to me and my health is beginning to fail. I think at most I might be around for the next couple of years; quite sad really, when the doctors told me of my little time it made me realise how fragile man’s life is. __January 4th AD 2050 or AFO 38__ As my life wavers, it has all become clear man can never reach its true potential without immortality, once we attain eternal life we are as gods, without the limitations of mortality, there is nothing that is not possible. I have decided that with what is left of my mortal life, I will strive to discover the secret of immortality so that those that come after may know the true meaning of life and live up to the infinite potential that our race possess. This is man’s true purpose this is the pursuit that we were meant to fulfil. //Written with precision and authenticity but your punctuation went astray in places.// Needs a tad more imagery. 7/10