Sanjeev+Casinader

=**50 words without e**=

Jordan roams a road solitary without justification. It was as if Jordan was having an illusion. Jordan found no illusion as an odour of fatality stung his nostrils. Jordan thought about losing his mum’s grip. Liquid slid to his mum’s chin as his mum slips out of his living days.

Feedback: Stay in the present tense. Effective use of sibilance and a powerful story. 12 Word Story

He accelerates. The thrill explodes! He clips the kerb, breathes his last. Feedback: Powerful use of imagery and muscular verbs!

NAPLAN Story

**//__Wrong Place at the Wrong Time __//** Jonah squinted defying the salty spray of the roaring waves as the bullet wound in his leg seeped blood. He had to get out or he would fade into eternal darkness. His eyes slipped out of focus as he staggered towards the ship. So much had happened in the past day, if only he had stayed in school that fate deciding day.

Jonah was the common school rebel. Had no regard for his uniform, his academics were virtually nonexistent, and the headmaster’s office was his second home. He was wagging school today as the school swimming standards were on. Jonah was petrified of water. At the edge of the pool he was paralysed but as soon as someone pushed him in he was floundering like a fish out of water.

Jonah swaggered down the side walk with the songs of his iPod blasting his ears. His best buddy Kevin was mirroring him as they boastfully strutted abreast. Pout faced they saw a large crowd gathering and cheering. The Prime minister was in town. Their view being obscured they stepped into an old warehouse and climbed to the top level.

As they sprinted up the stairs they heard the heart wrenching sound of bullets piercing air. They dived to the ground, crouched, and ran for cover behind some boxes. They heard the metallic clutter of a pair of feet running down the stairs. A built man clad in black removed his ski mask revealing black hair, blue eyes and a very flushed complexion. He gathered his breath than continued down the stairs and out of the building to a getaway car. Jonah and Kevin edged away from the boxes and, in panic, bolted out of the warehouse. As they ran out the door two muscular gloved hands grasped their collars wrenching them back. Four men in black suits, sunglasses and smart haircuts suppressed. Jonah felt the sting of cold steel against his skin.

Jonah’s eyes stilled into focus as the cell door swung open and the uniform police officer grabbed his arm. Dazed, Jonah stumbled down the corridor and slumped into the cold plastic chair of the interview room. They knew he wasn’t capable of shooting the prime minister so all the showed him mug shots. Face after face the black haired assassin did not show up. Jonah described the man and the colour, the officer's face dropped like the mercury in a thermometer. The right hand man and brother to the British mafia’s leader was the culprit. John Dallahowe (the leader of the mafia) had made a threat to the Prime minister to call the police off his organisation and their so called business and if he didn’t he should watch his back. Dallahowe was famous for hollow threats to the government disregarded the call. Jonah and Kevin both gave witness statements and the killer was caught and tried. Both boys were placed on the witness protection scheme. Jonah and his family moved to Blackpool and settled there for six months.

The covers flew off Jonah. He groaned thinking it was his brother playing a joke. He was gagged and a sack consumed his face and sight as he was grabbed by several hands shoved him around and threw him into a boot. He was drugged and was paralysed although his name remanned fully functional. He sat there in reflection he thought of his mother, his father and his brother. He knew exactly what was going on. He had been abducted by the mafia men and he was about to be killed. His heart sank as he choked realising he would never see his family again, realising his last words to them were hollow and meaningless. He imagined the terror his parents would experience finding their son gone. Tears dribbled down his face as he slipped out of consciousness

Jonah woke as a loud bang of thunder split the air. He heard the familiar voice of Kevin next to him sitting in a chair like Jonah was. The light bulb swung from side to side like the pendulum of a grandfather clock counting the seconds he had to live. A burly man ambled up to him. He explained he was John Dallahowe. He explained that it was just business and tried to comfort him by explaining how great heaven would be.

The Gun pointed to his head. This was it! It was now or never! He had to act now! Without thinking Jonah spun round using the chair legs to trip Dallahowe. He used the gun handle to knock out Dallahowe. Dallahowe three men sprinted. Kevin let out a roar as he clobbered the men with the chair knocking all of them unconscious. Both boys tied them up with some rope that was lying around.

Jonah’s stomach lurched as he heard gunfire. He dived for cover. As he hit the ground he felt excruciating pain in his leg. He had been shot in the leg. Using the gun he held in his hand shot the gunman in the arm Kevin king hit him. As the gunman fell he shot Kevin in the stomach. Kevin fell hitting his head on the brick. Kevin was knocked out. Jonah bandaged Kevin’s wound stopped most of the bleeding and did the same to himself and the gunman. Jonah picked up his new wounded brother and limped out of the door. Jonah almost collapsed. 15 metre waves swayed like tree leaves in the breeze. He was scared stiff due to his fear of water. But then, something overcame him. Whether it was the fact he had just shot a gun, is best friend was dying or if it was what he had been through in the past day his fear of water was exceeded by all these things as he stepped onto the boat.

Jonah steered the ship towards the shore and handed Kevin to the paramedics. He directed them to the lighthouse where the mafia men were. He collapsed on the bed as they attended to his wound. He knew everything would be all right.

Feedback: The first three paragraphs are superb as you capture the character of Jonah with precision. Your similes and use of imagery are highly effective. You are a very capable writer. You needed to have a closer link to the image provided. 85% using Naplan marking criteria.


 * __A Stolen Childhood__**

The sizzling sun fries the skin of the Child, Mindlessly swinging his pick like a machine, His wage is a place to sleep, away from the wild ‘Evils' of the world but his life is a dream. A bad one at that, no life no liberty Mining all day, eat, then again mine, All his toils provides other prosperity, What potential he had with such a strong mind.

But all hope is lost, ditched and abandoned, His innocent childhood ripped from his grip, Beaten and traumatised, by fear he was branded, The crusted mud and dust on his shirt Blend in with his shirt stained by much dirt. He looks to his friend, his only comfort, Manages a smile for his last piece of happiness Remembering the days when they went to church. Now those days are his only awareness.

He Dreams so courageously Of a life without captivity, A life like the eagle that soars A life with opportunity and many other doors Smile child and let it radiantly beam, And dare little friend, dare to dream. (See suggestions)