Hayden+Leaver

"50 Word Liprogram Without the Letter 'e'. With a snap of his hand, it was through. So much possibility cut short. From this point to turn back would bring nothing. A dull throb slid down the back of his body until all of his limbs lay numb. Standing straight and still his thought: I will try again.

Feedback: Strong, effective opening. Play with the fourth sentence. 12 Word Story​ Down he crashed. But through this experience, he was stronger than before. Feedback: The truncated sentence at the start captures my attention. Well done!

Who am I?

The ice cold water splashed against him in the darkness of the night. The moon was full and it illuminated all heavenly creations surrounding it. Finally it was time to get out.

Jack and Matthew jumped out of the pool and hurriedly threw a towel around their cold shaking bodies. “Matt, who am I?” asked Jack, a typical eleven year old boy, tall in stature with dark inquisitive eyes. “Aah I don’t know”, replied Matt, a short blonde boy aged ten. “Maybe you should ask God.” (New sentence for each speaker.) “Yeah, well fine, I’ll find out who I am by myself!”…

Morning soon came and with morning came the screech of Jack’s mum’s car to pick him up and take him back to his old dilapidated home… Once he was home he started his quest to discover who he really was.

First, he looked in the tree which loathingly hung fanning its great branches over his driveway. Where else is an eleven year old boy to look for his identity other then in his favourite tree to climb on?

Jack looked and looked and looked and looked but nothing was to be found, not even the slightest of clues, not even a sign. “Why can’t I find me?” s creamed Jack in a cry of deep anguish. “Where else can I look? My Room! My bathroom! The Moon! No, I must keep looking, otherwise how do I know that I even exist?” And so, off Jack swiftly ran to intensely inspect the attic…

" No, no, no! I can’t find myself here, not with all these old antiquities, feathered coats and tinted sculptures, what am I doing? If I was really me I’d know where to look. I’ve got to look somewhere else. Somewhere that I can closely relate to… The shower, I always spend time there…”

" This can’t be happening! Why is this happening? Doesn’t God want me to be myself?” c ried Jack in disgust… With this last unsuccessful attempt, Jack gave up. He sat down turned the shower on and cried. The mildly warm water poured down his back, drenching his clothes until running down onto the floor and then into the drain where it was spat away into the abyss. At this moment in time it seemed as if the whole world was against him. A knock on the door broke ack away from his steely harsh thoughts. Jack tensed and attempted to speak but tears and hyperventilation drained his words away into nothingness. And so uninvited a young short blonde haired boy made his way into the room and sat by the shower.

“Jack, it’s me Matthew, have you found yourself yet?” Mumbled sentences were shot out at Matthew but Matthew didn’t understand any of them. “Didn’t think you would have, but that’s because you’re looking for something that’s fake. Who is Jack? That is what you asked yourself and that’s what you attempted to discover but in doing so you only lost yourself in a maze with one way out. And that way out is to listen to me…"

"You are Jack. You cannot change that. Acting to be something your not will only deeper your confusion. You were Jack when you were not trying to be…"

"You were Jack when you were with me…" Feedback: Carefully check punctuation in your direct speech. A clever text with some very effective imagery and use of stream of consciousness. 78% using Naplan marking criteria. ** Dear Oh Dear **

Dear oh dear, Why is it not clear, That the light shines in front, Only to steer.

I have turned off course, Been astray to many, But with your direction, I see heaven already.

You light up the darkness, Light up my life, I only wish I could find you, For I know you are right.

I know someday, I will find you, I will. But on that day, I won’t know it, you will.