Clement+Senogles

__NAPLAN Revision__

The tsunami thundered down upon the tiny lighthouse. Engulfing it like a snake would an egg. It was certain death for the people inside. They had already given their lives to save the rest of the people who lived in the coastal town of Hawks Nest. To give up your own life for thousands of others is truly remarkable.

//__20 minutes earlier__//

The watchmen in the lighthouse were on edge. They were drinking endless cups of coffee to stay awake in case there was any need to clarify the alarm of an approaching tsunami. Hawks Nest on a Friday was usually filled with drunken teens in the parking lot outside the surf club. But tonight all the people had been evacuated.

The watchmen were stuck in the lighthouse. They were concentrated on the horizon. There had been a radio alert telling them that there was apparently a tsunami on the way. But the watchmen couldn’t be sure whether or not the heightening wall of water had been taller than it was a minute ago.

Before they knew it there was almost no sign of the orange sky. There was a complete blue wall coming towards them faster than they would have liked. Then... CRASH!!!

Feedback: This narrative would have been more realistic if it had been written from the perspective of the men or one of the men in the lighthouse. Add more descriptions of the sounds they would have heard using onomatopoeia and describe their feelings. Add a metaphor or another simile. Watch your paragraphing! You would have only scored one for paragraphing. Effective use of verbs such as 'engulfing'. Using Naplan criteria: 72%

__Poem__

The baby rabbit basks in the sun, Unaware it is being watched. Its observer, as black as coal, And as white as snow, Flicks it tail left and right, For this is how it got its name. Its tail, quick as a mongoose, As big as a house. Its coat long and sleek. Its face, with inquisitive eyes, Long whiskers, And a black beard on its chin, Follows the baby rabbit. For this animal is a hunter, Capable of catching much more than a baby rabbit. It can move around without being detected, Save for its tinkling bell. It can approach its prey to within a metre at night. For this animal is a relative of the mighty Lion and Cheetah, For these are the best hunters known to man.

I really enjoyed your very descriptive and engaging poem. The only change that I suggest is the simile 'as a big as a house.' 8/10

__ The Box __ Hell was wedged in the box. It would only be a couple more seconds until it got out. I tried to push the lid back on but the wind was pushing me back. Hell was millimetres from the top about to burst free. Then the first flames escaped the box. I only felt a millisecond of pain, then I was incinerated, along with everything around me. The world was doomed, Hell had escaped and now it had taken the place of Earth. Then... Nothing.

// 5 minutes earlier //

‘Dad, where’s your toolbox?’ cried Andrew (punctuation!) ‘In the shed son.’

Andrew walked out into the sunny summer day and into the garden. Andrew’s mother was a passionate gardener and had even won a few prizes. All around were fantastically bright colours all pruned to perfection. Some bushes were shaped into two swans, their two necks connecting to make a heart. Andrew’s mother herself was squatting in a flower bed adding more compost. She said she had three ingredients in her compost: calcium to make you strong; carbon to make you smart; and hydrogen to make you beautiful. Her flowers were in truth beautiful.

Andrew cut his way down the garden path to the shed and turned the handle. His father had not kept his shed in a state that would win any prizes. Hammers and screwdrivers were on the floor. Wrenches and saws were not on their correct racks. The place was in a state of complete disarray.

Amidst all this destruction was an ordinary box. Andrew would have not given it a second thought but he noticed it had strange symbols on it. As he edged closer he saw that they were not only markings but different symbols of different languages and cultures. Various numbers and words written all over the box.

Wondering what was inside Andrew lifted the lid and that was when all Hell broke loose.

Clever, but you need more of the fabulous descriptions that you used for the garden and the shed. You told so much about the parents through the descriptions. Add a bit more to this. Your paragraphing was an issue. I have fixed it up. 79% __ Short Paragraph __ As the sun rose on the Great Sandy Desert it silhouetted the lone tree on the horizon. It looked as if there was a giant spider emerging out of the ground. The spindly branches reaching down towards the ground, trying to break the strength of its own roots. I wondered how I could be admiring such beauty when I was in such an un-admirable position-alone, no water, no food... nothing. I wondered how I could get out of here alive. Then I realised I was going to die here.

__ Character Description __ Iles is the main character in my story. He is a religious man and has the only lasting copy of the bible on Earth. He travels around the galaxy going to different human civilisation to another. He is mysterious and would do anything to keep the Bible from slipping out of his hands. He would even die. (Now describe him - 5/10) __ Enders Game __ __ What is lateral thinking and how does Ender use it? __ Lateral thinking is instead of taking a problem head on you look at it from many angles to see what the best option for the problem is. Ender uses it by, instead of just beating up the bully; he continually smashes the bully to stop the rest of the bullies gang from coming after him to get revenge.

__ Often, difference is seen as threatening. Find three examples where difference is a positive aspect of Ender's situation. __
 * Ender is a third, his parents given permission to have a third child to try and make the perfect baby who they can turn into an army commander. If Ender's parents weren’t allowed a third then Ender would not have been born.
 * Others?

__ How would your world change if you were monitored at a young age and you were selected by the state to engage in activities that suited your particular talents? __ If I was monitored at a young age then I would still feel paranoid that people could see what I am doing at every hour of the day. I would not have gone to school and would not have met the people at my schools.

__ To what extent do you think the content of computer games should be controlled or censored? __ If there is lots of violence then the computer game should be rated M or MA. Also, if a child under 15 wants to buy an MA computer game then an adult (parent or guardian) should be present.

__ In comparison to Ender’s world what purpose do computer games serve in our society? __ In today’s society we use computer games for leisure and fun. In ‘Enders Game’ the principals use computer games to assess how useful a child is to the army by testing their knowledge and resourceful. Except some professionals, such as doctors, use computer games to develop their resourcefulness as well.

__ Look up the meaning of the words hegemony and strategy. How can you link them with the use of the words Hagemon and Strategoes in the novel? __ Sound where you have answered the questions. You need to complete the missing one to prepare for the exam. 6/10
 * Hegemony- in ‘Enders Game’ the Hegemony are the very powerful nations such as America and Russia.
 * Strategoes- ?

__ Science Fiction Narrative __

The ambush party were waiting for one man who held the answer to the whole of the Solar System. They were going to be paid a great deal of money if they were to capture this man. (More needed - setting?)

There were three of them. One was a paid assassin who had once worked for the galactic secret service but realised that he could use his skills to make more money than he ever dreamed of. The other two were bounty hunters who had worked with each other before on many occasions. Yet they secretly despised each other.

One had a father who had been on the galactic committee, but there had been a dispute about inheritance money and the father was found the next day in a river, his head was found a hundred metres downstream. What does he look and think like?

The second???

The third was orphaned at an early age. His family had been on Earth when invading forces from another universe attacked. He was the only survivor. The three of them together were going to change their lives forever. What does he look and think like?

Their employer was a mysterious man and they only knew him by the sound of his voice. He said secrecy was the foremost rule in his operation. The trio didn’t even know what his organisation dealt in. But all of them knew that asking too many questions could lead to the end of them, or worse, the end of their contract.

‘There he is, get him,’ came a crackled voice over the radio transmitter.

The assassin peeked out from the trio’s hiding place and saw a lone figure walking up the disused highway. The assassin looked through his mechanical binoculars and quickly read through all the readings on display.  WEAPONS-NONE DISTANCE-100M HEIGHT-6”2 WEIGHT-80 KILOGRAMS

This would be all too easy, thought the assassin. All alone with no weapons and there were three of them with guns and light- knives of all sort. Slowly and carefully the assassin lay down on the broken earth next to the highway and pulled out a sniper rifle. Eying his target in his scope he took a deep breath and at once was calm. He and the gun were one. Half of his life he had been trained in the art of assassination and knew what he was capable of. This would be the easiest money he ever made. His finger tightened on the trigger and he shot. Knowing it was perfect. The dart travelled through the air and into his victim's chest and at once he fell to the ground and became still.

‘Finally, I have captured the great Iles,’ came a voice Iles couldn’t see anything. A sack had been thrown over his head. He tried to move his body but the after-effects of the dart weren’t allowing him to move. The sack was whipped of and light flooded into his eyes. He was still on the abandoned highway. The man who had talked was sitting cross legged in front of him on the floor. He was an Asian man and was wearing a robe. He was a monk.

‘It is a common legend that 2000 years ago human civilisation had a great book known as the Bible. Religious men were lead by this book and upheld the writings of the bible as if their life depended on it. In a way their life did depend on it. This Bible talked about eternal life and everlasting happiness if you lived according to the writings of this book. I am greatly fascinated by this book and would very much like to have it. I believe that you are the only person in the world with the last copy of the Bible. That is why you are here, to give it to me.’ ‘Why do you want it?’ Iles asked ‘To sell it,’ replied the monk ‘But, why?’ Iles spluttered ‘To sell it you fool. Some people are willing to pay vast amounts of money just to buy this one book. I already have bids for it, some going into the billions. I will simply give it to the highest bidder.’ ‘But, like me, you are a religious man. I simply want to spread the word of God. Why don’t you want to do the same?’ ‘You are mistaken. I am not a prophet. I am a business man. I sell great artefacts and am paid much money. This artefact is known to be in your possession. If you do not give it to me then I will have to dispose of you to get it.’ ‘Well you’d better kill me because I wouldn’t give this to anyone for all the money in the galaxy.’ ‘So be it,’ replied the monk. He brought up a gun and shot Iles in the forehead. ‘Fool,’ he murmured and put the gun on the ground.

As the monk turned away he felt a strange pain in his back. He turned around and saw Iles standing in front of him and he was holding the gun which the monk had used to ‘kill’ him. The monk fell over and Iles walked over to him and said a prayer. Then he walked away.

A tad hard to follow. You need to be more descriptive. An interesting concept. 6/10